In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty, men want to be good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of their vices are attempted short cuts to love. [...] We have only one story. All novels, all poetry, are built on the neverending contest in ourselves of good and evil. - East of Eden, John Steinbeck

I’ve been thinking about… a correlation between low self esteem and the pride that comes with (or at the cost of) success. It’s interesting - it seems that the lower the initial self esteem, the more impact success has on an individual. Perhaps it can be attributed to the unconscious yearning and the obvious lack of this self esteem latent within, that when the glow of success and praise begins to shine gently on one’s face, a thirsty soul drinks it all up greedily, as if it were a bountiful oasis in the midst of a desert.

Comparatively, a relatively self-assured teenager, who achieves a series of mediocre successes, is unlikely to attribute these successes to a change in the self, and would perceive it as the way of life. It’s what they’ve been told by their supportive parents all along - they can do it! It only reaffirms the truth that they’ve been told all along. One with less self-esteem, one who is unaware that these successes not only possible, but likely, may tend to attribute successes to an internal change of ability and learned enlightenment (rather than uncovered potential that has been resting all along), thus changing one’s attitude. Not only is it learned enlightenment, but it is a understanding that it comes from relying on yourself and leaning on yourself. That you are all you need and you can do it all on your own. Ain’t nobody gonna stop me now. Blind hubris.

Ultimately, I have observed the escalation of my own pride as my own successes have accumulated, and in ways, I fear the person I may become.